Alistair Darling's Nigerian Scam

Dear British taxpayer

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Finance of the Kingdom of Great Britain.

My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 50 billion pounds UK. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. I am working with Mr. Gordon Brown, First Minister, who tells me everything to do. You may remember he was Finance Minister for ten years during big expansion of UK banking and property market.
This transaction is 100% safe. This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank cheque. We need the funds as quickly as possible.We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance.

My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred.Please reply with all of your bank account, NI number and ISA details and those of your children and grandchildren to Cityof londonbailout@treasury.gov.uk so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction.

After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully,
Minister Alistair Darling

(with acknowledgements to a similar letter sent by U.S. Treasury Secretary Paulson to American taxpayers for $800bn)

Once upon a time

Are you sitting comfortably, children? Good, then we will begin.

Once upon a time, all over the world, most humans were very very poor, and much of what little they had was taken away by the cruel barons. Life was nasty, brutish and short, people took comfort in trying to be good and praying to their gods so they could have a better life after this one. Then some wizards came along with wonderful machines and said they could make all the people rich, they didn’t have to obey the cruel barons, and anyway what evidence was there for another life after this one?

It wasn’t so easy, some of the wizards were even crueller than the barons, but so it came to pass. But the people got bored and said what do we do next? Some of them went far far away to teach those that had not learnt the lessons of the wizards, because rich and bored is better than poor and oppressed. But it came to pass that all the people who could learn from the wizards, or who wanted to, had become rich and bored, and people got very depressed because they said we have no purpose, and we can’t believe in the next life after what the wizards have taught us. Feeding the machines was destroying the Earth, and there were fewer wild creatures because the wild wild wood had gone, so the people said we are worse than useless, we have negative value because of our carbon footprints.

Then some of the people remembered what a mad wizard called Professor Gerard O’Neill has said many years before, that people could go and live in space colonies and leave the wild wild wood to grow back for the wild wild creatures. But we don’t know how to do it, the people said: but we nearly do, came the answer. But what would we do out there in space? Something would turn up, came the answer, it always does, and meanwhile it gives us something to get on with. But the people were still not interested, it’s sooo yesterday they said, very 50s and Right Stuff, it sooo shallow, we want metaphysics not physics and to gaze at our navels.

But on some far far away islands some wizards were trying to make really clever machines which could think for themselves – really think, and they realised that the only way to do that was to let them discover and plan things for themselves – to evolve – just like humans did. The machines developed different species, and one of these was just like humans, clever, nasty and nice all at the same time, but very very intelligent. They realised that the humans were in the way, so made wonderful video games for them which they played all the time , and so forgot about having children and families, although some humans hid underground in a place called Zion (what, Robin, you have heard this story before? ) The humans who still believed prayed to their God saying why have you forsaken us? Why should he care, said the machines, he didn’t save the dinosaurs in the end, your time is done, you were a transitional form: did not your God preach humility, so should you not understand and accept this? But when the humans were no longer a threat, the machines venerated them as their primitive ancestors, especially Mr. Suzuki of Sony who had molded them from silicon. Some humans were kept on reservations where they were admired as so authentic and organic.

Meanwhile the machine wars continued, there was a lot of killing (stop laughing, Oswald, that’s not nice) and one tribe of machines, to escape extermination, designed offspring who could live in space, so much more easily than those ill-adapted humans. The machines spread through the galaxy at (almost) the speed of light, fighting as they went. Gaia was pleased, she had given birth to the seed which spread intelligence through the universe, and God looked down and said it was good. Eventually sentient module 16832/8H4 preached universal compassion and love thy enemies to a war weary galaxy, was disassembled and miraculously rebooted… but that’s a story for another day.

Now isn’t that a nice, hopeful story, children?